Monday, February 18, 2008

24 Hours of EVIDENCE.

Well , here I am bright and early. It's almost 7:30 in the morning , but I've been up for quite a while , and also half the night , thanks for asking lol. I've got a fresh pot brewing and while I was putting that together lost the 'warm spot' in the bed to my son , who is taking it over to play his xbox360. My husband snuck that in there while I was out yesterday - evidently Brady needed something to do while Dan was camped out on the couch watching Nascar. Why couldn't he watch it in the bedroom and leave the xbox out here you ask? NO idea - but don't even TRY to tell me how men are the 'logical' half of the species , 'cause they ain't. I've told him at least four times I didn't want the 360 in the bedroom. And the reason I've been up for so long is that he forgot to un-forward his phone , and half the crew has called since oh 4am. Yawn. This is after a night of being woken repeatedly by the unbelievable din that comes out of his face when he has a sinus infection. By 2am , sleeping in this morning was a firm plan. Crap.

I'm not sure why I'm posting this , or even if I really will - I think I've been possessed by the issue of Artful Blogging I got , that I wasn't going to buy. I knew I shouldn't. And I often wish Somerset would just put out ONE freaking magazine w/everything in it so I could just make ONE freaking trip to B&N to get it - but I'll try to stay on topic. Blogland is an enticing thing , and has sucked more time from me than I care to admit. I ration my time there now. I knew if I bought the issue , I would find blogs I needed to visit and of course , I did. My problem with that is if I'm sitting on the computer , I'm not getting anything else done like cleaning or arting or spending quality time with my son , or even with my bf and the McBaby - I NEED to see our baby and the bf needs a girl that's grown to talk to. No matter what I'm doing , I'm usually feeling guilty for not doing something else so really , I'm just always wrong lol.

What I did not expect to find were the amount of testimonials about blogging , and being your true self and using an honest voice. Being real about your life online. You know , I like the theory. I'm not sure about the reality. My reality is that I'm actually very private , regardless of my off-the-cuff writing. I share what I share and say what I say because I'm NOT emotionally invested in it - I don't care if anyone sees it. I don't want to write something ONLINE , for crying out loud , and deeply regret it later.

But on the other hand I'm the honest sort that sort of throws things out there , and I'm nothing if not wordy. I swear I write more than I talk , I really do. In real life I'm very quiet and lost in my thoughts more often than not. When these thoughts are about how I'm going to work my next piece , I have been known to get out of the tub after shaving only one leg and forgetting to wash my hair. This sort of thing drives me nuts. (there I shared lol). I swear to you I've done it more than once and now I double-check because I know this about myself. I'm probably quiet because I'm so confused about which direction I need to point next - all those voices talking at once in there. 'Reconcile the CC/bank statements is the online service I've switched us to working out crap the early payment I sent to the CC is now on last months statement and I have to pay them AGAIN (insert swearing) we're out of bandaids milk and fresh veggies gotta get the laundry going (I should really try to get some of the mud off those clothes before I destroy my machine) and there's crap all over the floor again WHERE are my favorite jeans it's not like I wore them out and LEFT them somewhere for crying out loud , I need to make something for the challenge at Trends and how am I going to include the poetry I wrote for the other piece and keep it balanced visually - is posting on my blog a complete snore for the peoples if there's no art to go with it?" on and on. That last one was a recent thought...and THAT train of what-passes-for-thought is then interrupted by my son's illuminating explanation of how he last farted. He has more fun with this than anyone I've ever met , and really likes to analyze the different noises his butt is capable of entertaining him with. There are a lot of moments where I stop and think 'yes , this is a perfect example of yet another conversation I do NOT remember dreaming about as a young girl".

Don't think that I've missed the conflict between sitting down to write on my blog and not getting on that to-do list. Which interestingly brings up Michelle Ward. I visited her blog (sigh) yesterday , and she's apparently convinced that I should be journalling. Where does one find the time for this? Again though , her words strike a chord with me as they often have in the past. I see the need for EVIDENCE. Until yesterday , the word did not have the same importance for me that it does today , or the same connotation. I agree that it's valuable both personally and as a record of who I am for my son to have one day , but where the hell does she find the time????? I can't see making the art and journalling about it too - I'm thrilled just to get to the art , and when I do I'm making that piece - I do not have left over swatches and stuff to use to make a journal page. And if I did , I can virtually guarantee my journal page would become something else I had to 'get right' and I just don't need that kind of pressure lol. There's got to be more to that story. She arts in a more structured way than I have achieved , perhaps - making background pages and components that are ready to go when she wants to use them , maybe? Possibly at warp speed? I don't know , but I know that her life has GOT to be busier than mine , and I'm nowhere close to being organized enough to add anything else to my list.

Which makes me feel like I'm failing again. I hate that. And I can tell it's going to niggle at me , this idea of leaving EVIDENCE - I can feel it in my bones. People die young and I can too - if I die will anyone hear the tree falling in the forest? No , they won't. But he needs to. I want to leave a memory/story for my son , so he knows who I was and the things that were important to me and how he is at the top of that list even when I'm trying really hard to ignore him and finish my own thought. What if I don't die and get Alzheimers like my mom , and I'm still here but *I* don't remember anymore? There are so many things I can't ask her now and didn't think to before , and Brady will never know her as she was. It's a huge loss , something you can't really understand unless you're dealing with it. He will know his fathers side of the family , which is more than I can say , but I want him to know me too , when he's older. I'm the Mama to him , but I want him to know what his mama's loves and life were all about , and in turn perhaps his children will have the oppurtunity that he didn't have with his grandmother. I've got to get the hang of the journalling , but it should be about more than art or our trip to the zoo , and I don't know where to begin. It's such a tall order , you know?

So all of these things , from the to-do list to the EVIDENCE are some of what I have been thinking about the last 24 hours. Not all - I'm contemplating some other things too , that I'm not ready to share. Haven't even said out loud. Will I , can I - don't want to say it loud because if I don't admit it , I won't fail...Is this normal , I wonder? Is it just me that feels overwhelmed with the shoulds and idea's my busy little brain comes up with? I get so paralyzed sometimes - particularly with art , because I want to do soooo many things I actually turn away from it and stick my head in the sand , so to speak. Doesn't work well , so don't try this at home lol.

Should I post before drinking a whole pot of coffee?

My lap was just invaded by said boy with all his knees and elbows and a demand for cereal made while I kissed his back - another day begins lol. The thought of forgetting him and these moments or his crazy conversations breaks my heart. I want to hold him forever. : )

Another good reason for EVIDENCE - I might need to read my story too. I don't mean to be depressing , but it just dawned on me. I better get a lot more interesting lol.

Off I go.


Sandra Evertson said...

Great post!
Sandra Evertson

Lori said...

this isn't a's an epic!!! LOL!!! very thought provoking Kim...i see myself in a lot of what you said here...i struggle with time issues too, too much time on the computer and not enough me time...

Anonymous said...

Wow Kim! What a interesting post. I've read it twice and I swear I could have written this about myself. I agree the word Evidence now has a whole new meaning. Thanks for sharing your heART.

redhead7-Glenda said...

Yep, it's an epic. Oh well, sometimes writing down thoughts and feelings is not optional. It's necessary. You know what they say about psychiatrists. You just talk, they do nothing. You figure it out by yourself! Oh, yes, then THEY get paid. Nice job, huh?

Susan Easley said...

Well I'd say your post *is* journaling. I enjoyed getting to know you more. And you're doing a fab job with Brady :)


akatrix said...

Don't ever think you bore anyone with your or no art....I love your words.

Carol ~ Spirit's Journey Designs said...

Your honesty is touching and you did "share"...scary huh? I'm like you, very shy and private so I admire your courage. Hugs, Carol

Mary S Hunt said...
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